What a fun experience being a guest on The Chris Voss Show podcast! As a recently published first-time author, these past 4 months have been a crash course on book marketing, which has also pushed me toward new skills and experiences that I never imagined for myself. I used the public speaking activities (podcasts, TV appearance, etc.) to practice many of the rules in my book "This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods".
Rule #1: Thrive or survive: You decide. I chose to pour my energies and resources–both professional and personal–into my book because it offered me a clear path to thriving in my life. My efforts as an author and life coach serve to enhance the lives of others while nourishing my own in a 2-way, mutually supportive and mutually beneficial relationship with book readers and life coaching clients! I wish to do more than strictly survive this life.
Rule #2: Who you are in sympathetic is not who you are in parasympathetic. When engaging in public speaking events, I can feel my body and mind wanting to go into survival mode as my subconscious perceives the situations as dangerous, as in "What if you screw up? What if they reject you? What if you fail? You don't know what you are doing! What if...?" In response to my primal brain perceiving such potential dangers, I practice the self-soothing skills I have learned in childhood, as well as in therapies, martial arts training, Yoga, and freediving... controlled breathing and muscle relaxation! Before The Chris Voss Show episode, I sat quietly for 10 minutes simply breathing and visualizing a successful performance.
Rule #3: Trauma Lies are just that... LIES! I currently believe one of my trauma lies about how to survive sounds something like "If I do not perform perfectly, then people will not love/connect with me." Here I am attempting to replace this trauma lie with a thriving life truth that sounds more like "When people see past (my/people's) minor flaws, they will see that I am a loving and safe man who is worthy of connection." Additionally, "In order to thrive, I must develop the skills to better serve and engage with other healthy (enough) people." While practicing my breathing for 10 minutes before recording The Chris Voss Show, I also practiced replacing my trauma lies with thriving life truths and other mantras that offered me confidence, such as "I know this material well because I have been successfully helping others for years with this, and I am here now to offer assistance to other human beings SEARCHING FOR such assistance."
Rule #5: Healing requires training, education, and empathy... for all. Chris Voss and I discussed many aspects of this rule in this podcast episode. We discussed the similarities between learning to heal oneself from childhood trauma and learning martial arts skills, as well as the differences between training and education.
Rule #18: Will versus skill... both are necessary. We discussed this rule in some depth, regarding both the focus on developing personal skill sets and the need to select a partner who possesses similar (or greater) skills to oneself. Chris Voss shared his process of practicing stoicism to control his emotions better, which enabled him to stop reacting aggressively to others' verbal attacks and instead respond in more calculated and intentional ways. We discussed the goal of selecting a significant other from whom we don't feel the need to defend ourselves because that significant other possesses collaborative communication skills and, therefore, does not attack us! Additionally, I focused on this rule as I seek to further develop my own public speaking skills. I focused on relaxing, being okay with making mistakes (stuttering, moments of silence, missing words, etc.), and on simply sharing these life-changing, life-enhancing rules with listeners who want to improve their lives and relationships.
Rule #20: Make it normal. This performance was my favorite of the 6 podcasts that I have been on so far... I was better able to accept the vulnerability of being in front of an audience, and better able to relax and let more of 'the real me' come out. If I had made my decision about whether to keep going on podcasts after my first few performances, I definitely would have quit after the first two or three! But like with my martial arts training, I knew that getting good at any skill is a process that takes time, focus, and repetition. Around the third or fourth guest appearance, I started practicing different mantras and life truths. "Fake it till you make it" worked best when I tailored it to this situation with "Look like a confident life coach/author, and eventually I will feel confident in these areas." My fifth and sixth guest appearances went much better, and I even found myself having FUN instead of just surviving the experience! As I work to make it normal, I look forward to seeing how much more skilled, confident, competent, and pleased I will be after my 30th appearance... and then 50th...
I hope this helps as an example of how we can successfully apply some of the rules of my book to modern life situations that cause us anxiety or panic. Please enjoy this podcast and consider purchasing a copy of "This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods" as you invite educational insights and supportive guidance into your healing journey and thriving adulthood!

Consider a life coach consultation with Life & Trauma Coach Ernest Ellender, PhD. If the content from this podcast, this blog, or the book resonates with your experiences as a child, it is quite easy to contact Ernest at (985) 381-7848 to discuss whether his services are the right match for your goals. And remember, "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now." - Chinese proverb
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